How to get free firewood…

With winter comes the inevitable fact that the weather is going to get colder and colder with each passing day. Now, the easiest way to save money on your energy bills is to have fires in your fireplace. I know firewood is expensive, and it takes a lot of wood to warm your entire house; but do not fret.

The Low Down is here to save you money. This winter, while you’re sitting in your freezing home, there’s a way you can get free firewood to turn your cold family room air into a warm tropical breeze. Steal firewood from your neighbor. Now if you get away with the burglary you won’t need an excuse why your arms are cradling your neighbor’s expensive hard wood, but it’s always better to be prepared.

There are many ways to go about being confronted, and we have taken the time to outline a few of our favorite techniques. Just in case you get caught in the act.

1. The Hippie Technique
This is a great all around technique and it’s fairly simple to pull off. When your neighbor catches you with a wheel-barrel full of wood, they’re probably going to ask something like, “What are you doing with my firewood?!” Now, in order to pull of the Hippie technique, the proper response is basic. Simply reply, “Your wood? This isn’t anyone’s wood brother. Brother, these kind trees were sacrificed so you and I could warm our kind houses.”
Helpful hints
Wear a tie-dye shirt, preferably with the words: tour, Grateful Dead, Phish or Widespread Panic on it. Say words like kind, brother, sister and family as often as possible.
If things start to go bad, ask for a hug and make for your front door.

2.The Stoner Technique
Since stoners say two out of four, or roughly 50 percent of people in this area are stoners, this is another technique you should easily pull off. The great thing about this approach is it can be used inside or outside of your neighbor’s house. When your neighbor asks the inevitable, “What are you doing with my firewood?” look completely confused. Pretend someone just told you The Terminator was elected the Governor of California, or some other incomprehensible bit of information.

Stare at them with complete confusion, and ask, “This is your wood? I thought this garage looked a little different from ours. My bad bro.”

Helpful hints
Go swimming at a local pool before the heist and keep your eyes open under water. This will give your eyes that red coloring they need for dramatic affect.

Say things like, “wow, really? no way,” and “bro” as much as possible (bro can also be pronounced as bra or brah).

3.The Problem Solving Technique
Now if you do get away with successfully lifting your neighbors’ firewood, but you’re the only neighbor around for miles, you’re faced with an entirely new problem. How do you make it look like your neighbor’s firewood supply is not steadily decreasing?

The answer is easy. Once the firewood is safely in your home, it’s back to the scene of the crime. Take another arm full of wood, and lie it down in the snow. Next, take snow and pack it down on top of the existing logs. Place the logs back on the pile once the snow has been packed accordingly. The goal is to replace each log you took with an equal amount of snow.

Helpful hints
Use this technique within a day of a huge snowfall. Do not take too much wood at a time. Allow them to think they are burning the wood, this way they will be sure to restock. Wear mittens or gloves.

4. The Accused Technique
Never underestimate your ability to act innocent. Good Samaritans are hard to come by these days, so don’t hesitate trying to sell yourself off as one.

When your neighbor asks what you are doing with their firewood, get original. Tell them you came all the way outside to brave the cold simply to dust the snow off of their woodpile. This will explain why you have an armful of their wood.

Or try telling them you’re training for the Olympics and you’re too poor to afford a set of weights. Tell them how nice they are for lending you their wood to train.

Helpful hints
Sound sincere. It helps for this technique if you are a complete smartass.

How to get free firewood… Part 2

1. The Scooby Doo Technique

We’ve all seen an episode or two of Scooby Doo in our day, so this one should be rather easy to pull off. In each of Scooby Doo everyone’s favorite talking dog uncovered the mystery behind an abandoned, yet haunted, movie theatre, amusement park or football stadium.

Every episode would end with Scooby and the gang discovering the ghosts was nothing more than an image of a ghost projected onto a screen. Go to your neighbor’s house and take a picture of their woodpile. Once you’ve gotten the film back
from the local photo lab, it’s time to go ahead and steal your neighbor’s firewood.

With the wood is securely in your home, return to the scene of the crime with a large projection screen. Set the screen up against your neighbor’s house in the area where the woodpile once sat. Once the screen is in place, return to your house and turn on your projector; which contains a picture of your neighbor’s woodpile and point it directly towards the screen. As long as you have your projector on, your neighbor’s will think their woodpile is safely resting against their home.

Helpful hints
a. Make sure you live next to someone who is rich enough to keep their thermostat set in the high 80’s. These people will never use their firewood, they simply have it stacked outside their house to give it that “rustic mountain home” feel.

How to get free firewood… Part 3

1. The slip and fall technique
One of the great things about having a neighbor is, you can stop by and get some neighborly advice. Now if you just so happened to stop over to see your neighbor and you slipped and fell on their front stairs or driveway, donʼt you think theyʼd like to make it up to you? And what better way to make it up to you then with a couple of cords of nice hard wood.
When your neighbor answers the door, stage a slip and fall right in front of them. When they ask if youʼre okay, just moan and say things like, “Oh the pain,” or “My neck, my neck and my back.”
When they ask if thereʼs anything they can do for you, just mumble in pain, “Oh man, Iʼm going to have to go to the hospital and I donʼt have any insurance. Iʼm going to have to call my father, the really successful big time lawyer, and ask him what I should do since I fell on your icy front step.”
Wait for them to react, they throw out this suggestion, “Well this could get ugly, but we can settle out of court right now for two or three cords of firewood.”
Helpful hints
a. First of all, your neighborʼs front steps might not be icy enough to pull this stunt of. Call them up on the phone and tell them youʼre some cookies and you just wanted to see if you could bring some by later. While youʼre on the phone with your neighbor, have your roommate throw a bucket of water on their staircase.
b. Bring a witness. If you do everything right and pull this technique off, itʼs still your word against theirs. But, if you bring your roommate youʼve got a witness. Plus your roommate can make the situation look worse than it really is by making comments like, “I think I heard something break.” Then when youʼve settled the deal with your neighbor for the firewood, your roommate can help carry you back to your house.

Best dream ever!

I have a dream… It’s not an admirable dream, in fact, if I ever pull off this dream, chances are I’ll be remembered as one of the biggest assholes of all time. My dream stems from a conversation I had with a friend who told me his boss has a theory on games and the theory is this- if you beat someone at a game, and they own the game, you should be able to take it from them because if they aren’t good enough to win they don’t deserve to own it.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it truly inspired me and I from this theory I developed a dream. And my dream is this: I want to challenge a friend to a game or H.O.R.S.E, or P.I.G, at their home basketball court. Once I beat them— which I will, Lebron’s got nothing on me— I want to go to my car and blast my stereo where I’ll have “We are the champions” cued. From my trunk I’ll pull out a ladder, which I’ll place under the hoop. At this time the small paparazzi I’ll have hired will surround the ladder as I climb up it to cut the net with a pair of scissors. Once I’ve cut the net I’ll hold it high above my head as the cameras capture every moment. I will then be promptly drenched with champaign.  Days later my victim will receive a T-shirt and coffee mug with pictures of the entire event.

Again, I know this is a total dick move, but I can’t help thinking it would be the funniest thing ever!  Well, for me at least…

Obama’s a renegade!

Today the Secret Service announced Obama’s code name… Renegade. No doubt inspired by this amazing television show from the mid 90’s.

The Circus

The latest in vegan rain apparel.

Cars, bikes and lawsuits

Nearly a week ago, on my morning bike ride to work, I was hit by a flatbed truck. My life didn’t flash before my eyes, but I definitely experienced a moment where I thought, ‘This is happening, this guy is going to run me over!’ I swerved and thought I’d managed to escape the collision, but soon I heard the sound of bending metal and felt a sudden burst of acceleration that I knew for sure did not come from my legs. I realized for just a moment that the truck was in fact pushing me, but before I figured out what to do I felt my body skipping across the pavement and heard my bike follow suit.

The driver was nice enough considering he actually stopped to see if I was OK. After I caught my breath, he helped move me and the corpse of my bike from the road. To be fair, he was in just as much shock as I was over what had happened. It was dark (but I had lights), it was early, we were both on our way to work, and next thing you know you’re in an accident. He seemed overly concerned over my injuries- a broken hand, severely bruised ribs and a number of cuts and scrapes- and in time I realized why…

Nearly ever person I told my story to, before I even informed them that the driver rolled through a red light and did not use his turn signal before turning right and running over me, responded by saying, “You should sue him.” And this is what he was fearing…

First of all let me say that I’m not going to sue him, although I hope his insurance covers my hospital visit and bike… The driver was totally at fault, and I’m sure that I’d have a pretty good case, but why would I sue him? It could’ve just as easily been me behind the wheel and him on the bike. He was nice, provided me with his insurance info and even called me later to see if I was OK. He was probably covering his own ass, and feeling me out to see if I planned to sue, after all, it seems in this day-in-age that this is the American way. I told him it was an accident and could’ve happened to anyone, to which he apologized again and said he hoped our paths would never cross again.

When I tell people all of that, they inform me that I wouldn’t be suing him, but his insurance company. But again, why would I do that? Six days later and I’m still sore as hell, but I’m alive- I’ll live. This is life and shit happens. Every time shit happens to people in today’s world think they should be compensated. My case in point… The week before I was hit on my bike, my mother rear ended someone at a stop sign when her foot slipped off the break. The cop on the scene estimated she was going under five miles an hour when her small car rear ended an SUV. Yesterday my mom got word that the woman in the SUV got a lawyer and is suing my parents over her injuries!

You have to be fucking kidding me! I know for a fact that the truck that hit me on my bike was going more than five miles and hour, he was totally at fault, and yet, it never even crossed my mind to sue. But then this woman gets bumped in SUV and is going to sue for loss of wages and medical and all of that bullshit?! Only in America, only in America…

The Circus

See… it’s all going according to plan. While they have her distracted, we’ll sneak around back and knock the bitch out. Then BAM! We get paid!

The Circus

“Did you finish your homework last night.”

I’d like to thank you for asking that question mother. As you know, education is very important to me and it’s a key ingredient to my success in this dangerous world we live in.

“Yes, or no Timmy?”

Well mother, as I’ve said before… Homework is a large part of my plan to change the educational system as we know it. When I came to school it was broken, but God willing, I will change school to work for the small students!

“Okay, no more watching Sarah Palin speak… That goes for all of you.”

The Circus

What do you mean what’s my plan to grow up and become president? I’m just going do what Sarah Palin is doing, it seems to be working for her. If anyone asks me my qualifications, I’ll say that’s irrelevant… And if they say I don’t have any REAL political experience, I’ll just call them sexist. You’re right mom, Sarah Palin is really inspirational! I’ve learned so much from her already!

The Circus

So you see, Palin’s experience… how she opposed the Bridge to Nowhere… and supports abstinence only sex ed. programs even though her own daughter proved they don’t work… how she has foreign policy experience because she’s close to Russia… It’s all a sham! It’s a myth… just like Santa!

The terrorists or the media, which is a bigger threat?

In the seven years since the attacks on the World Trade Center I’ve seen, read and heard thousands of news stories about terrorism. For the first few years after the attacks it seemed the media searched for any loophole in which a terrorist might due harm to the (north) American people. If one station or newspaper reported on loopholes in trains, another would report on how easily our nuclear power plants could be attacked or how susceptible we are chemical and biological weapon attacks.

It has become clear to me now, more than ever, that the biggest threat facing the (north) American people, and human beings across the world is in fact the media. Our media, which is assigned the task to simply educate and inform the people, has taken on a much scarier role. It has decided to shape the way people think and mold the information they receive. World news is strictly fear based and current events all contain the names Brad, Angelina and Britney. This is unacceptable.

Reporting on the presidential election is no different. It doesn’t matter how experienced or inexperienced Obama is, what matters in the media’s eyes is how big of a celebrity he thinks he is. The same goes for Palin. It doesn’t matter that she says she was against the bridge to nowhere even though she was for it – even received the money to build it, which she has yet to pay back – what matters is that she made a cute joke about hockey moms. The media is not actually investigating – you know, digging up FACTS – any of these candidates; they’re pre-screening them for a four to eight year reality TV program called The White House. The character from the last eight seasons was a joke, but his speeches were kind of fun to watch… kind of like listening to someone trying to recite Latin with a mouth full of peanut butter, except he was actually just trying to pronounce one-syllable words.

One of the newest stories to blow up in the media is the quote Obama said about a pig. “You can put lipstick on a pig,” Obama said. “It’s still a pig. Now McCain is saying the remark was sexist. A co-worker said he was disgusted yesterday when that quote became a top headline and the lead to every “news” story about the election. I wasn’t surprised and told him why.

If you were a reporter and didn’t record that quote, your editor would have your ass because every other “news” outlet would have it, and lets face it, it grabs your attention… especially when they say, “Obama calls Palin a pig.” The other scenario here is that a reporter including the quote somewhere in the story, but actual did some reporting on all of the other things Obama said at the speech. If this were the case, once it made it to an editor they would immediately move the quote up to the top of the story and shape the entire piece around that one line. It’s happened to me as a reporter countless times. You have one punchy quote to wrap things up, or so you thought. Once the story gets edited the punchy quote becomes the lead and the story is shaped around it, completely changing the tone of the story in the process.

The other possibility is that the reporter simply chose it as the lead; since they are a part of the media they know what used to sell papers and what now urges people to click on a link…

Another reason our news media is such a threat lies in the simple fact that finding actual NEWS in this country takes more journalistic skill than reporting for 1/2 the media outlets in our nation. Mainstream media isn’t news, its opinions. Fox is the best example, but again, it’s only one example. Unfortunately good solid news and reporting usually has to be dug up, but it is available. And even sadder than that is the fact that the best investigative reporting into these candidates and the people supporting them has come from the Daily Show and the Corbert Report.

We need media reform more than any other issue because we’ll never find out the real story behind any issue until we get media reform. I read a quote in a book called The Future of the Mass Media and it really stuck with me. It goes something like this… “I always ask people what’s the issue they care about the most, and then I ask them about the next most important issue to them. If the second one isn’t media reform than they’ll never change anything about the first.”

The media sold the war in Iraq to the American people. Its now selling us that the surge worked and soldiers are coming home, but it doesn’t tell us in the same breath that we’re losing in Afghanistan and sending more troops (the stories are spaced days apart), that were headed for Iraq, there now. Our media hasn’t done any solid reporting on the lack of information supporting the war or the fact that we never found WMDs. The media is selling us gossip, hearsay, lies and misinformation and simply calling it news. This needs to stop.

I’m sick of “news stories” that have the “reporters” opinions or thoughts smeared throughout the piece. When you’re a reporter you’re not paid to tell people what you think or feel, you’re paid to REPORT THE FACTS. Why is it that every reporter thinks they’re a columnist? A lot of papers and stations now let reporters do opinion pieces or columns on topics they actually report on… this totally blurs the line. How are people, or the reporters, supposed to know when one role begins and one ends.

Don’t believe something you read in a headline or hear on the nightly news, research it. The Internet is a valuable source of information and it makes it possible to cut through the bullshit and find the facts. End the reign of the med-i-duh by not buying into the fear/misinformation/opinion machine. Demand real facts, demand actual news.

The Circus

Damn… I am wasted. Thanks for picking me up Dad, there is no way I could’ve ridden my tricycle home!

The Circus

So Republicans are going to make this country safer, create less government, balance the budget, cut wasteful spending, create jobs and cut taxes? Sounds like there are a whole lot of things to fix! Who screwed up the country so badly to begin with mommy?

Left-wing media

The “biased left-wing media” was something I heard a lot about while listening to the good ole’ boys club, I mean, the Republican National Convention last night. If Americans really believe we have a “biased left-wing media,” then not only are we a dumber than I thought we were, but this is proof our nation has truly been blinded by the right.

If only our media were as truthful as fake news shows on Comedy Central are. If you have time, watch this clip from the Daily Show. I promise you will not be disappointed.

I love how members of the right-wing media and members of McCain’s staff, including Palin, are accusing the media of being sexist towards Palin… These are the same people who criticized Hillary, including Palin, for “whining” about being treated in a sexist way

Again, watch the Daily Show clip and realize now, if you haven’t ever realized it before, how much our media in this country kisses right-wing ass. The clip contains Karl Rove eating his words about experience and governing over small cities, and Bill O’Reilly talking about how teenage pregnancy is a parents fault and a sign of bad parenting… unless Sarah Palin is the mother. Oh our left-wing media is just so untruthful.

Soldiers suicide rate to set record

Last night Sarah Palin said Obama refuses to mention the word “victory” in his speeches except when talking about his own campaign. Palin said over and over that victory in Iraq is within sight. Maybe somebody should tell the soldiers.

“Army leaders are fully aware that repeated deployments have led to increased distress and anxiety for both soldiers and their families,” Army Secretary Pete Geren said. Maybe Palin should remind them we’re really, really close to victory. I don’t mean to joke, I only mean to show the disconnect illustrated by this new “star” VP candidate.

“If the overall numbers continue through December as they have been, Col. Eddie Stephens said, they would eclipse the 115 of 2007, 102 in 2006, 87 in 2005 and 67 in 2004.”

Free Press?

The Circus

So I’ll give you all of my Obama ‘08 buttons for your Huckleberry Hound pin. I’m not supporting Barack anymore, the Republicans told me he’s going to take all of my money and just give it away. I only get $5 a week as it is, I can’t afford that type of change!

Frat boys!

Ever wonder what happened to the frat boys you went to college with are doing now? The answer is simple, they’re chanting zero, USA, Sarah and a number of other one syllable words at the Republican National Convention. Oh, and chanting, “drill baby drill!”

The spin machine is working so well before Sarah Palin’s speech I’ve thrown up on myself three times already.

McCain brings the PA(L)IN

Sadly, there have been so many events that clearly illustrate what a junk show our government in the United States has become. There was the investigation into the blowjob heard round the world, and then there was the falsified intelligence that catapulted us into what feels like a never-ending war… But neither of those events so clearly illustrates the circus that is our government. Enter Sarah Palin.

The thing that bothers me the most about Sarah Palin is not her lack of experience, its how the right and the media have already managed to spin what little experience she does have into what looks like an astonishing career. People, including McCain’s wife, are saying that she has foreign policy experience because Alaska is the closest state to Russia?! This woman was chosen to be McCain’s running mate for one reason and one reason only. I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t due to her 20 months of experience as Governor of Alaska… it was because she is a woman. I’m not being sexist; I’m being a realist.

If people on the right say, and I agree with the fact that people should not vote for Obama simply because he’s black, then woman should not vote for Palin simply because she’s a woman. But that seems to be the horse McCain and his people bet on. They’re after the 18 million Hillary voters, and if I were a woman (which I’m not) I would be insulted by this move. If you think she was picked for some reason other than her sex then ask yourself, why else would they have picked someone who is being investigated for corruption and has a pregnant teenage daughter (by the way, Palin and McCain voted against aid for pregnant teens, but I guess it pays to have loaded parents)? Do you think if Romney had those strikes against him they would’ve even added his name to the list.

Sarah Palin reminds me of George W. too much. Hick, no experience, fear mongering (she said “in these dangerous times” multiple times during her expectance speech) and short-sited views of the world. Sarah, like W. thinks global warming is not caused by man and she is even trying to get polar bears off of the endangered species list because it would prevent oil companies from drilling in a lot of places the bears are known to dwell (she openly admits this).

Now McCain and his campaign are out to prove that Palin has more experience than Obama. I guess this is an important point to prove since if the McCain/Palin ticket is the one Americans buy, Palin will most likely be the one in charge since McCain will probably have a heart attack at the inauguration. He’s ancient; he can’t handle that kind of excitement. But the main way the McCain camp is trying to prove Palin has more experience is to list the amount of people Palin is responsible for compared to Obama… I’m not trying to lump all Alaskan’s together here, but I think there is a different mentality in Alaska compared to D.C. Earlier today the mother of the 18-year-old hockey player that slipped one past the goalie into Palin’s 17-year-old daughter’s net spoke about their relationship. The mother said the teens, who have been together less that a year, were planning to get married long before the news of the pregnancy, and then said about the pregnancy, “This is just a bonus.”

Now again, I’m not saying all Alaskan’s are the same, but life and people’s mentalities in Alaska are definitely different. Even Palin said she used to go moose hunting before school, how many Americans can relate to that?

If I wanted reality television and the quality drama that it supplies, I’d turn on Mtv Mr. McCain…